Fading Away
by MattAShine
Summary: A/U fic that takes place after ‘Counterpoint.’ After beginning a love affair with her, Kashyk stays on Voyager at the request of Janeway. This is what happens to Chakotay following his learning of the new couple’s decision, and being forced to fac
1. Fading Away

**Title**: Fading Away

**Author**: Matthew Shine

**Rating**: PG-13.

**Disclaimer**: Paramount owns Star Trek (even though they don't deserve too sometimes).

**Notes**: As my first Voyager fic, this is my ultimate 'What the f**k' at the majority of the stories out there which portray Janeway falling in love with some alien, and Chakotay nobly standing by her side and silently dealing with his broken heart.  This fic take the whole 'crazy gene' thing in another direction, a more… drastic direction.

**Summary**: Alternate universe fic that takes place after 'Counterpoint.'  After beginning a love affair with her, Kashyk stays on Voyager at the request of Janeway.  This is what happens to Chakotay following his learning of the new couple's decision, and being forced to face that he and Janeway would never get together.

            Chakotay remembered a lot from his life.  He remembered his long talks with his mother, playing with his sister and cousins, his first vision quest.  He remembered joining Star Fleet and then the attacks on Dorvan, which left most of his family dead and his subsequent recruitment in the Maquis.  Normally, those memories along with his camaraderie with certain people sustained him as he drew from them for strength.  Today, he received another memory for his collection, but this one had no equal.  This was the day he lost Kathryn Janeway.

            "You're what?"  Even upon hearing it thrice, the Commanders mind still wouldn't pick it up.  Oh, he heard the rumors (damn Paris and his gossip ring) and he saw the 'looks' he had been getting that spoke of consolation, but it wasn't real.  Until now, that is.

            "I'm in love with Kashyk and he with me.  He's agreed to stay on board Voyager and go with us to the Alpha Quadrant."  It pained Janeway to see the flash of agony that seemed to rack her best friends expression, but it needed to be done.  It wasn't that she didn't love him, but Chakotay was like the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden.  Lowering her head to shield herself from what seemed to be an explosion of emotion, the Captain of Voyager tried her best to remember that she had a lover waiting in her quarters and that he was all she needed.  

            "I'm sorry Chakotay.  I know how you feel about me, but we could never be in a relationship with me as Captain and you my First Officer, and neither one can resign without adding far too much pressure to the already stretched ranks."  Taking a breath, Janeway lifted her head to look in his eyes and saw the immense conflict playing out in his eyes, in his soul.  "Over time, you will find someone else.  I know it will be difficult, but we both knew that this could happen at sometime."

            Like trying to wake himself in the middle of a horrible dream, the Commanders entire body seemed engulfed in tremors.  Yes, he wanted her happy and yes he always figured that if they didn't get together someday either she or he would most likely find someone else, but this was far sooner than he could have imagined.  Chakotay struggled to speak, but his voice box seemed unable to work for him.  "I know.  I just hoped that by the time it did, we would have grown out of love.  I had figured that it wouldn't have been for years, if not home in the Alpha Quadrant."  Ignoring the tears that feel freely, the man tried to stabilize his mind and senses as best he could.

            Kathryn understood his words, even if she didn't completely agree.  If they were in the Alpha Quadrant, maybe they could have gotten together, but they weren't, as sad as it was too say.  It was becoming more and more obvious to her that her friend wasn't accepting this as well as she had hoped he would.  Perhaps it was going to be best if she tried the 'cold water' trick.  

            "Chakotay, I'm not in love with you."  Seeing his face contort all the more, Janeway continued the lie of her lifetime in hopes that he would be able to break free from the hold he believed she had on him.  "I'm in love with Kashyk.  You and I will just never be together."  Kathryn watched in fascination, his entire body seemed to be rejecting her words.  His hands shook and teeth chattered.  Closing her eyes and taking a breath, the Captain of Voyager prepared to shove the knife home.  "You will not need to find quarters for Kashyk, Chakotay.  He will living in mine, permanently."

            Chakotay knew that she and Kashyk would no doubt be spending a lot of time around each other, but living together meant something?  The only way it could have gotten worse was if she announced their engagement and that was probably going to come fairly soon as well.  The thoughts of hearing them every night for what could reasonably be the rest of his life did what no other event in his life had done before: it broke him.  He could no longer anticipate the private dinners between them, no longer spend late nights flirting in her quarters.  The touches on the bridge while on duty might still happen, but it would be forever tainted by the knowledge that she spent her nights loving someone else.  She may flirt with him, but she was going to belong to another man.

            Desperately, Chakotay looked around as he watched his world shattering.  The world of his mind was being torn to pieces and his body shook in responce to the emotional agony.  He knew what she wanted, she wanted to be free of any obligation she may have felt to him.  She wanted his blessing and the knowledge that he wouldn't act like a scorned lover.  He was going to give Kathryn what she wanted, freedom from his ghost, and he was going to give his very self to do it.  He would finally give up on Kathryn Janeway and the hope that kept him going that maybe she and he could someday be together.  Once he felt himself let go, the quiet calm that had entered his mind shortly after stepping onto Voyager, after meeting Kathryn, slid from his mind.  The importance of the ancient legends, the sage advice from his animal guide, all of it broke free from the bonds of importance and floated out of reach.  The light of his soul, the happiness in his smile, the small grin that he always seemed to wear (even when outraged) all seemed to fade away, along with the tears in his eyes and the shaking of his hands.  The man Chakotay had become, the one he always wanted to be, the one people turned too, the one that hoped of a better tomorrow, finally emotionally fell.

            Janeway watched his body shake with grief and his eyes blaze with rejection of what he was being told until her final words before about her and Kashyk living together and then after a few moments, something changed.  His body ceased their tremors, his face relaxed, and his breathing become stabilized.  For a moment, she was relieved, believing that he was accepting what she told him, but that went away when she looked into his eyes.  The dark brown pools that radiated intensity and life for as long as she had known him, seemed to actually flicker, like a dying light bulb, before completely going out.  The warmth she had associated with Chakotay's gaze had just expired and she now shivered as his look.  The beautiful eyes that he had used to charm her with years before now resembled the ones in morgues when people died with their eyelids open.

            She was about to speak when the broken man before her did.  "I am so happy for you Captain, you deserve happiness.  I'm sure Kashyk will be a great addition to your life.  Notify me if you or he need anything."  Smiling a smile that never even made an attempt to reach his eyes, Chakotay nodded his head and left her ready room without waiting to be dismissed.

            Janeway felt nauseous at his reaction.  His voice was toneless and his walk wooden.  All of the thickness that had been there was gone and the way he said her name (which before sounded like a prayer) now was hallow.  The smile that he had given her was mechanical and his dimples, the ones she dreamed about before she met Kashyk, said nothing now.  She expected a lot of reactions from Chakotay, but that wasn't one of them.  He looked… lifeless.

            Getting to her feet, she shook herself mentally as well as physically.  Chakotay was a rock.  He survived when his family was killed by the Cardassians, he would survive this as well.  He had too.

            "Computer, time?"

            "Present time is 19:03 hours."

            Shaking herself again, Janeway reminded herself that she had promised Kashyk that she would be home for dinner before 19:00 hours for dinner so that they could go to bed early.  Oh, she wasn't at all tired, but then that was a good thing with what she and Kashyk had in mind whenever the term bed is used,  Kathryn grinned for a moment at the man now in her room, her life.  He was just what she needed.


	2. Fading Away

            Commander Chakotay stepped out of the Captain's Ready Room and immediately head for the turbo lift without so much as nodding to the people who bid him a good evening.  Their words of well wishing were nothing he wanted to hear on this night of nights.  Getting into the lift, he tonelessly called for his deck and stood as stiff as a board in the exact middle.  He couldn't seem to recall ever feeling this broken before.  It was an all encompassing grief that tore at his remains.

            Upon reaching his destination, Chakotay stiffly walked through the doors and quickly reached his room.  Punching his command code and swiftly heading through the doors, he calmly entered his bathroom and head for the toilet, lowered himself to his knees and vomited all of the contents of his stomach into the bowl without any concept of the aftertaste.  His entire body felt numb and hundreds of pounds heavier than it actually was.  His mind, against his own wishes, conjured new images of his Captain with another man, and more came up from his stomach into the bowl.  He knew from what he saw happen to his grandfather that this was only a temporary stage in the journey he was embarking on.  He also remembered what happened to the old man in the end.  Gripping the rim with his hands, Chakotay felt himself retch once more as more came up.

            Whatever dinner that he had eaten before what the Captain had told him was long rejected by now and anything would be stomach acids.  With what seemed like a Herculean effort, Chakotay used the basin to get up and flushed it's contents out of his sight, fearing a round of dry-heaves.  Almost limping over to the wash basin, he looked up at the tear stained image that looked back at him.  This simply wouldn't do for a Star Fleet Commander and that's what he was, that's all he is, and that's all he'll ever be.  Filling up a cup and taking a drink to wash down the horrible after-taste, Chakotay washed his face without much gusto.

            Leaving the area and re entering his living room, he started gathering all of his personal artifacts.  Medicine bundle, prayer wheel, personal clothing, gifts from his friends and things collected from his time on Voyager from places like New Earth.  Searching all of it out, he corralled all of it and brought them to replicator and, one by one, had the computer reclaim all the energy that he could.  Anything that couldn't be destroyed in that manner would just be incinerated.  He wanted absolutly no reminder of any of it.  The bundle with what was once some of his most prized possessions no longer could work for him as he would need to mediate and that wasn't going to happen.  Just as he figured, he felt nothing as the items from his old home were eliminated one by one.  Feelings like that were for the weak and he adamantly refused to be like that again.

            Once his work was done, Chakotay simply sat down on his couch and proceeded to pick up the Padds he needed to go over and started reading with no expression on his face and nothing but the task in his mind.  He was a StarFleet Commander, and StarFleet Commanders read pads.  Some where, in the back of his mind, he swore he heard voices.

****

            Dinner with Kashyk was just what the doctor ordered for Kathryn (literally in this case).  They had a nice relaxing conversation afterwards over a couple cups of coffee.  Sensing something was amiss with his woman, Kashyk spoke up.

            "So, why the long face all nice?"  Seeing Kathryn's head snap up, Kashyk felt the need to explain.  "Since you got home tonight, you've been distracted and every once in a while, you look haunted.  What's going on?"

            Kathryn took a breath.  She really didn't think Kashyk would take kindly to know that her First Officer was head over heels in love with her and that she just had to break his heart.  "I had talk with my First Officer about you moving in here with me.  He's got a… little crush on me."  Seeing her lovers face contort with anger, Janeway thanked the lord above that he didn't know the whole story or what her definition of 'little' was in this case.  "I told him that he and I could never be together because I'm with you.  I'm just worried about him.  He cried at first, but at the end of it he was completely despondent.  I hope he doesn't do anything… drastic."

            Kashyk heard her words with a sense of happiness.  She turned down that other man in favor of him.  "Oh, don't worry about it Kate.  You did what had to be done.  Besides, wouldn't it have been worse if he found out later on?  It's best that you told him right away."  Kathryn agreed with Kashyk all right, but still…

            Kashyk saw the look in her eyes and shot a glare at the wall that separated Janeway and Chakotay's quarters.  Kashyk would be damned if he was going to let some idiot with a hopeless crush screw up his happiness.  "Hey, let's just go to bed.  It will al look better after a good night's… well not sleep."  Kashyk chuckled.

            Kathryn saw the look her lover leveled in Chakotay's direction and furrowed her eye brows for a second.  It wasn't Chakotay's fault he fell in love with a woman he couldn't have.  Wiping the thoughts from her head, Janeway stood up and took Kashyk's hand as he led her into the bedroom.  The one place Chakotay's ghost couldn't follow her.  Anymore that is.

****

            Unknown to either of them, on the other side of the wall from Kathryn's bedroom, Chakotay lay in bed hearing the couple next door getting to know each other again.  He simply stared at his ceiling with his eyes open, no expression and not moving at all as sleep refused to take him once more.  Although he didn't care, his eyes squinted in contempt at what he knew was going on next door, although part of him wondered why.

            Giving up on sleep, the Commander sat up in bed and called the computer.  "Computer, are there any empty Holodecks open right now?"  If bed would no give him sleep, he would find some other way to spend the evening.

            "Affirmative, both Holodeck Two and Three are open."

            "Reserve two hours on Holodeck Two to Commander Chakotay effective immediately."  There was were more than one way to skin the allegorical cat.

            Jumping to his feet and quickly getting into his uniform, he breezed out of his cabin seemingly without a care in his heart.  Where as before, the First Officer would always give a little look at his Captain's doors, this one did not.  He had to get to the Turbolift and looking at a door that he was passing wouldn't make much sense.

            Entering the lift, Chakotay blandly ordered his desired floor and felt as the floor beneath him started to rumble softly.  He felt his mind was still a tad jumbled at the recent turn of events, but his heart simply didn't care about the words that woman told him.  Truth be told, he found it ridiculous that he took it as hard as he had.

            Shaking off those thoughts, the Commander exited the now opened door of the lift and stiffly walked toward the Holodeck, ignoring the people who would occasionally try to engage him in conversation.  Once inside, he took swift action to remove the safety protocols and initiate his infamous boxing program.  Literally tearing his uniform off his body, Chakotay climbed into the ring to face his opponent Baby Jake.  Baby Jake had always before given him a pretty good run for his money, but this time his body seemed energized and ready to fight.

            With Boothby looking on, Chakotay charged his opponent head on.  Without feeling the hits that fell to his face, Chakotay attacked Jake with a ferocity hither unknown to him.  Chakotay felt the urge to giggle as he felt Jake's ribs and jaw crack violently under the onslaught, and did chuckle slightly when he saw his own blood flowing from the wounds his opponent had managed to inflict.  Pounding violently, he felt the hologram under him stop trying to hit back.

            Pulling himself up, Chakotay quickly rid the ring of Baby Jake's body and replaced him with two characters who were armed with baseball bats and tire irons.  Snickering with glee, the Commander of Voyager leapt at the two not caring when the bat exploded against his temple.  Throwing one to the mat, he grabbed the piece of metal from one of the men and used it to savagely beat the other's skull in before tearing into his chest and pulling out some of the bloody contents.  

            When the other man got to his feet, Chakotay tossed the metal weapon aside and dropped to his knees and closed his eyes, engrossed in the feeling of his body being attacked; a sadistic grin creeping onto his face as he felt the adrenalin surging through his body, demanding to be let out.  Ignoring Boothby's cries for him to fight back.  All the while, the faceless voices in his mind started getting louder and louder.

****

            Commander Chakotay walked, or limped as it actually was, out of the holodeck an hour and a half later.  He had actually killed seventeen holodeck opponents in some of the most violent ways possible and only stopped because his reserved time was through.  Reenacting that safety protocols, the man stepped proudly into the lift and got off on the sickbay floor.  Although he felt no pain, he knew that his eye was swollen nearly shut and that his leg was probably broken (that guy with sledgehammer really knew how to work it, but his face caved in nicely when slammed with one of the ring posts Chakotay had actually pulled up with his bare hands).

            Entering sickbay, the First Officer was immediately bombarded with questions from the EMH about what happened.  "I told you Doctor, I don't wish to talk about this any further.  Fix my body up and let me be on my way."

            The EMH was livid.  He knew that the Commander had used the holodeck without the safeties on, but he didn't know why and that was the most important question of all.  As he waved the dermal regenerator over Chakotay's bad eye, or at least the worst one, the EMH spoke.  "I know that you used Holodeck Two without the safeties on, but I want to know why.  I don't want to see you hurt, permanently that is, and that's exactly what's going to happen if you aren't careful."  Chakotay snorted.

            "I have my reasons for looking like this, but I promise that I won't do what I did ever again."  Disregarding the pain in his chest when he breathed, the injured man heaved a heavy sigh.  "I would request that this not be reported to the Captain, or maybe a toned down version submitted to her."  Seeing the aghast expression come over the hologram, Chakotay pushed on.  "I know that you may not like that, but I don't want anybody else asking me about this."

            "Commander, you know that I must report all patients to the Captain everyday and scrimping on no details."

            "I'll make a deal with you.  I will give you every one of my holodeck rations I have left to do with what you please if you agree to not tell the Captain or anybody else about this."  Seeing the Doctors expression light up, the Commander went on, if only to sweeten the deal.  "I've heard about your golf swing, maybe a few rounds on a sunny beach would be just what the doctor ordered, no pun intended."  The hologram threw a half-hearted grin at him at the joke.  Chakotay could tell the Doc was nearly sold, so he threw in a little extra to push him over the top.  "I can assign Tom Paris to sickbay, so you know that you know your station is being covered.  The deadline on accepting this deal is in ten seconds."

            A war raged in the EMH's computerized mind.  He could work on his swing, or maybe just do some regular sightseeing on some of the beaches.  The concept of Mr. Paris being locked into sickbay during this time was making his fake eyes dilate with glee.  "Well, I suppose without any holodeck rations there would be no way for you to be alone inside one of them with the safety protocols off.  The only way you could get into one of them is if there were a ship wide invitation and that would be something the entire crew would no doubt be going, so there would be plenty of people there.  I suppose the Captain doesn't need to be make aware of this in any great detail, but if this EVER happens again I will tell her and you will not be able to just try to buy your way off of this."  

            Seeing Chakotay nod his head slightly, the EMH turned off his equipment and walked the now healed Commander to the door.  He never noticed the brain activity chart that showed a slight, but steady decline overall for the past few hours.


	3. Fading Away

            Janeway left her and Kashyk's quarters the next morning and headed for the lift.  She was a bit sore, but the good kind of sore that she hadn't felt since Mark.  Stepping into the lift, she saw her First Officer heading in the same direction and she kept the doors open for him, hoping to maybe clear the air after last night.  Maybe after getting some sleep, he had come around and started seeing things her way.

            Chakotay walked toward the lift and saw his commanding officer waiting for him, but he didn't speed up or slow down.  After his bargaining with the EMH just a few hours before, he had retuned to his quarters but sleep had evaded him.  After simply replicating a pot of coffee, he read and reread the pads that the crew had submitted.  He had a quick shower and replicated a new uniform after ripping the other one in half in the holodeck.  Food was the last thing on his mind right now, but felt no hunger.  He hadn't eaten at all last night or this morning and his body was telling him very distinctively that if he ate, he would regret it.

            Getting in, he simply aligned himself against the wall farthest from her and stood perfectly straight, ignoring the other person in the lift with him.  Looking at the walls in fascination, Chakotay saw the panels and the lights all seem to trail in an odd sort of psychedelic sort of way.  No matter what would happen, his head wouldn't allow itself to look at the woman next to him.  He didn't want to see her pity directed at him.

            Kathryn watched him with amazement.  Even after their worst fights, Chakotay always said something to her.  He just stood there like a statue.  His hair looked matted and his clothes a bit wrinkled.  Trying to break the ice, Kathryn hoped that he wasn't going to snap once he heard her voice.  "Good morning Commander."  She watched as he slowly turned his head to look at her and her heart stopped at what she saw.  His eyes still looked dead as they peered at her, turned into a look of realization, and then he turned his head back forward as if he had no idea as too what she said.

            Chakotay heard her words and now looked at her.  His mind flashed images of their conversation from last night and he felt his blood go cold.  Any remark he would have made died on his lips as he took in her almost defensive posture.  He could almost feel cold air radiating from his body in her direction, as if attacking her.

            Hitting the bridge, Kathryn practically ran from his proximity.  The comfort that he always exuded wasn't there, and she didn't like what he had replaced it with.  Besides, forced to admit it, she kind of missed the warmth of his expression.

            Getting onto the Command Level, she jumped right into the fray demanding reports while subconsciously keeping one eye on what her First Officer did.  She watched as he woodenly got out of the lift and how he eased himself into his chair before checking his terminal all without making a sound or facial expression.  

            Chakotay couldn't understand why Kathryn kept throwing glances in his direction, but he was getting steadily more annoyed at her.  Occasionally, someone would ask a question of him and he would simply nod or shake his head, beyond that, no effort seemed necessary.  He couldn't understand why people kept on looking at him at him, but for some reason it just didn't matter much anymore.

            Behind the backs of everyone, a beep signaled the arrival of a lift occupant and nearly everybody (void the First Officer) turned their heads to see the ships Ambassador stepping onto the bridge.  Neelix got out of the Turbolift carrying a bowl in his hand and a smile on his face and head straight for the Command level.  Seeing the odd look from his Captain, the little Talaxian continued toward the First Officer seated beside her.  "Commander, the Doctor asked that I give this too you.  He said according to his scans last night, you seemed to be a bit malnourished and he wants you to remedy that.  This is Mushroom Soup, I heard it was your favorite."

            Chakotay seemed a bit perplexed as to what too say to the little furry man who was eagerly forcing the hot bowl into his hands.  Raising his hands, which were shaking for some reason, he softly handled the object before nodding his head at the delivery man.  Once he saw Neelix get into the lift once more, Chakotay took a tentative sip.  It tasted like lead and he could feel his entire stomach revolt at the concept of getting any more of that… stuff.  Getting to his feet, the Commander woodenly turned his head around and spotted the replicator.  Walking with almost painful stiffness, he got to it and promptly recycled it and sat back down.  He never made eye contact with anyone and didn't make a sound.

            Kathryn shot her First Officer a questioning look, but he just seemed to be oblivious to her.  Mentally, she examined their physical positions and audibly gasped at what she found.  Her body was directed at him (like it always was, even when they had fought), but his body seemed to be doing anything possible to be as far away from her as he could.  There were actually inches left on his seat on her side that he was refusing to take up for some reason.  His entire unconscious body was rejecting her.  It almost made her cry.

            Rising to her feet, Janeway decided that enough was enough.  "Commander Chakotay, please accompany me into the Ready Room."  He slowly nodded his head before he rose and went toward the door that she had been keeping open for him.  Once inside, her tirade began.

            "Okay, Chakotay what the hell is going on here?"  Getting to her desk and plopping down in the chair, she waited for his response.

            Following her, Chakotay stood at attention before her with his barren eyes looking into hers, yet he felt no warmth inside like normal.  "Nothing, Captain."  His voice was stale and hallow, like he had just been given a death sentence.

            Hearing his voice, Kathryn winced visibly.  It was, if possible, more toneless than yesterday.  She knew he was hurting still, but… this?  "Don't lie to me, Commander.  What's wrong?  Neelix gave you soup that the Doctor told you too eat and yet you refused to eat it."

            Chakotay could feel anger start to boil up in him, demanding to be let loose on her.  "It's nothing, Captain.  Ever since last night, I have thrown up at the thought of eating and that stuff out there tasted like dirt."

            "You haven't eaten since last night?  God Chakotay, you are always harping on me about eating and sleeping.  How could you of all people forget to eat?"

            Hearing his name from her mouth would normally have given the man a feeling of warmth, it now had the opposite affect.  "I have memories of doing that, but the reasons no longer seem to matter to me."  Seeing Janeway's shocked expression, he spoke once more.  "Never call me by my name ever again.  Names are used by friends and family and you are neither."  At Kathryn's expression of horror he continued, pulling all of the anger he had at his disposal.  Years of promises, both verbal and non verbal, and it all ended in one great betrayal.  "I may have made a promise to stay by your side and fight along with you, but you don't need me any farther and as such I withdraw that promise and leave you too your own devices."

            Kathryn reeled at that.  Her best friend was giving up on her.  She knew that with Kashyk, there would be a time of readjustment, but this was ending everything.  "But, why?  We can still be friends, right?"  The woman who had faced so many threats was on the verge on tears, but the Commander didn't care.

            "No, we can't.  I'm sorry for your loss, but as you basically told me yesterday, it's over.  All of it.  Dinners, laughter, conversation, everything.  You are lucky, you have your lover to do that with now."  Kathryn cried openly, not caring that people were going to be filing in for a meeting in less than ten minutes.  "You should be laughing with victory, Captain."  At her shocked expression, Chakotay continued.  "This _is_ what you asked for last night.  You wanted freedom from me and now you have it.  You have succeeded.  The price I paid to be able to give you that was everything I had and more, and the full scope of this you may never learn of.  I have one final chore that needs to be done during the staff meeting and when that happens, both of our new lives will commence."  During his talking, Chakotay's voice never raised in volume or intensity and his face never changed from the blank look he had adopted after their words last night.

            Janeway wondered if this feeling of complete loss was anything like what he felt when he heard that she was in love with another man.  She had finally pushed him too far and this is what happened.  She had wanted him to get over her, but this isn't what was suppose to happen.  This was 'all or nothing.'  Maybe this could be fixed with time, he hadn't said anything to hurt her feelings and, after a while, perhaps something could be formed between them.  "We have a senior staff meeting in a few minutes and I intend on informing them about my decision to keep Kashyk on Voyager and people will no doubt want to hear your thoughts on the matter."  She waited to see any sort of reaction upon hearing of her and her lover once again, but nothing happened.  "Are you prepared to speak then?"  Seeing his blank look that said nothing and his continued silence, Janeway counted to ten in her mind.

            Getting up, Kathryn walked across her desk and stopped inches from her second in command.  He faced front and never turned his head to look at her.  Reaching her hand up to his face, Janeway touched his cheek hoping that would do something to reach him so deep in his mind.  She knew that whenever they touched, they both felt a jolt so she knew what to expect.  This time, no jolt happened to either of them.  Gasping at him, Kathryn pulled her hand from his face.  He felt cold and lifeless.  It wasn't just his eyes, his entire body seemed dead.  "Oh my god.  Chakotay, what's wrong with you?"

            All he could do was look down and think for a moment.  Returning to her eyes, she still found nothing inside of him.  With his anger gone, her words didn't penetrate the fog of misery that engulfed his brain.  "Nothing, Captain," was all he could think to say.  Whatever she was about to ask was cut off rudely by the door chime.  Silently, the man beside her walked to his usual seat and awkwardly sat down.  Swallowing her questions, for now at least, the Captain allowed entry.

            The meeting went fairly swiftly and Chakotay actually answered some questions about the Padds he had been given to read, but everyone knew something wasn't right.  He sat in his seat, eyes forward most of the time, but every now and again, he would suffer from a facial tick.  Finally, Kathryn bade them all quiet as she prepared to let them know about her living situation from now on.

            "Okay everyone, there is one more bit of business to attend to.  You all know that the today is the day that the D'vor inspector Kashyk is leaving the ship, as we have cleared their space?"  Seeing peoples nod in assent, she continued.  "There has been a change in plans.  Kashyk and I have fallen in love and he has agreed to stay on Voyager with me until we reach the Alpha Quadrant."  Hearing gasps from the other's, Kathryn stole a look at Chakotay, who looked as stiff and emotionless as ever.  "I know that there will be a time of adjustment, but I think after a while you will all come to see Kashyk as the person I already know he is."  Closing her eyes for strength, Kathryn reopened them and looked at her number one.  "Commander, do you have anything to add?"

            Chakotay, not seeing the looks of sympathy people were throwing him, simply got up painfully from his chair.  "The Captain's personal decisions are none of my business.  In order to help Kashyk fully integrate into Voyager life, I am hereby submitting my resignation, effective in one week.  During and after that time, I intend on searching for an M-Class planet to settle on."  Seeing the shocked expressions from his one time friends and the devastated look Kathryn emitted, Chakotay explained furthur, still with his now typical blank expression.  "Given the inclination for the crew to see the Captain and I to get together, so long as I walk these corridors, Kashyk would never be fully accepted.  Pardon me, I don't feel very comfortable in here."  With great physical effort, Chakotay walked out of the room, leaving an astonished senior staff in his wake.

            Silently cursing him, Janeway turned to her staff.  She had hoped to talk with him after this was over.  "Dismissed.  Tuvok, could you stay please."  Quietly, the room started to empty, but her oldest friend on the ship still sat.  No one who left even looked at her, but she did see that their eyes spoke of betrayal and for some reason, she knew it wasn't directed at Chakotay.  Before the door closed, she swore she could here Paris make a comment like 'Guess we know why Chakotay snapped.'

            Janeway, under the pretence of being calm, went behind her desk and sat.  Could this day get any worse?

            Tuvok rose from the seat he had occupied during the staff meeting and sat directly across from his Captain.  He knew that this was going to be a fairly personal conversation and honestly had no desire to stand at attention if it was.  If she asked for his opinion, he wouldn't lie to her.  "Captain, you wished to speak with me?"

            The Captain rose her eyes to see Tuvok sitting.  For some reason, that didn't bode well with her.  "I was just wondering what your feelings are in concerns to what I said in the meeting about Kashyk staying on board Voyager."

            "My 'feelings' on this matter are not relevant.  I do, however, regret the loss of Commander Chakotay as Voyager's First Officer.  That is not a job that I look forward to acquiring."

            Janeway nodded softly.  "With any luck I can change Chakotay's mind about that, so no plans of moving your place on the bridge just yet.  Tell me the truth, what do you think is going to happen if I fail and Chakotay does leave the ship."

            Tuvok looked down at his Captains desk, seemingly in thought.  Once the Commander had made the announcement, the Security Chief's mind had automatically gone into overdrive at the possible outcomes.  None of the probable ones looked all that appealing.  "I regret to inform you that I believe that the divisions between StarFleet and Maquis crew members will start developing once more.  Without the Commander too fix them, I fail to see how they could possibly be resolved."  The Vulcan had noticed his Captain wince at the suggestion, and took a breath for the next part.  "Captain, another thing that needs to be considered is that the Commander spoke the truth before when he noted that the majority of this crew wishes you and he to, and I quote, 'get together.'  Even if the StarFleet/Maquis issue does not come to pass, the fall out from yours and the Commanders permanent split may very well be cause for concern.  I have observed many times in the past where the crew had started to polarize when you and he had simply argued.  This is much more."

            Janeway cursed softly.  "Why is it that?  Why can't they just realize that Chakotay and I aren't going to 'get together?'  I understand it, you understand it, even Chakotay understood it.  But now…"

            Tuvok rose out of his seat.  Janeway knew him well enough to know that he was angry at her words.  "Captain, with all due respect, I don't concur with that statement.  It is obvious that Commander Chakotay harbors romantic feelings for you, or did at least.  If he hadn't, your relationship with the Inspector would not have affected him so.  I, personally, was one of the crew members that wished to see you and the Commander form a more… social, relationship.  You assume that I don't as I have said nothing in support or it.  And, if I may say so, if you believe this, why do you seek my guidance?  By your own admission, you believed that I would agree with your decision not pursue a romantic alliance with the Commander.  Following this line of logic, it could be assumed that you yourself are doubting your decision regarding Inspector Kashyk."  Janeway shot out of her chair, preparing to deny Tuvok's words, but the Vulcan simply continued.  "I do not mean that you don't love the Inspector, but I have observed your reaction whenever you or someone else spoke of or too the Commander and that does not exist in regards to Inspector Kashyk.  I may be Vulcan, but I recognize emotions in others when I see them.  Your reasons for not engaging Commander Chakotay in a personal relationship are not logical, and as such I do not sympathize with them.  You asked for my 'feelings' and now you have them."  Not saying another word, Tuvok turned around and walked out without waiting to be dismissed.

            Dropping unceremoniously into her chair behind her desk, Janeway covered her face with her hands.  This wasn't the reaction that she had hoped for.  Her First Officer had just quit, her oldest friend basically told her that he was disappointed in her, the crew was going to no doubt fracture, and people were going to be blaming her and Kashyk for it as it seemed all of her Senior Staff had just done.

            Not one person actually congratulated her before Chakotay's speech and subsequent resignation.  Not one person had wished her and Kashyk luck in their relationship.  She knew that everyone wanted her and Chakotay to get together romantically, but that wasn't going to happen even if he had resigned and it seemed like she was the only person to accept that.  She was in love and it cost her Chakotay!  She had to choose and she picked Kashyk.


	4. Fading Away

          Leaving the Ready Room just after tending his resignation, Chakotay slowly walked over to his seat and started sending the letters he had written last night, but not wanted to send until he had announced it formally.  He had written one to Tuvok about getting him prepped to take over as First Officer and one to B'Elanna saying that he was sorry he was doing this, but it needed to happen.  Anybody else was unimportant to him and could be addressed on a case by case basis.  The Commander had been checking his mail for only a few seconds when people started filling out of the Captain's personal office.  Obviously she hadn't taken any questions regarding her new found relationship or it could have taken a bit longer.  Those that walked out gave him expressions of guilt and remorse.  Chakotay ignored the remake Tom Paris had given about him 'snapping,' it didn't matter anymore.  About ten minutes later, Tuvok left the ready room as well and even he seemed unable to look at First Officer.  

            Janeway stormed out of the Ready Room looking like she were on a war path minutes after Tuvok had left.  Her brief time feeling guilty and bad about choosing Kashyk was over and now she wanted blood, her newly resigned Commander's to be exact.  Giving Chakotay a glare that would turn most into puddles of goo, she cursed him silently at his seemingly flippant response to her.  "Commander, I wish to speak with you in my Ready Room and I want to speak with you NOW!!!"  Everybody on the bridge, Vulcan included, shuddered.  The Captain looked like she was ready to burst a blood vessel in rage, but the soon to be deceased First Officer wore an expression of nothingness as he got to his feet, wincing a few times at an obvious physical strain.

            Chakotay's fate seemed all but sealed when reprieve came in the form of a hail.  *Sickbay to Commander Chakotay.*

            Janeway glared at the heaven's for a moment as Chakotay answered.  "Chakotay here Doctor, what is it?"  His voice was so hollow the angry woman in front of him frowned momentarily.  He sounded very unhealthy.

            *Commander, I need you to report to Sickbay immediately.  I found something I hadn't noticed before in your tests that I need to speak with right away.*

            The First Officer was about to answer when the Captain cut in.  "Doctor, can this wait?  Commander Chakotay and I were about to have a very important conversation that can't be delayed."

            *I wish it could Captain, but this may very well be a matter of life or death.  The Commander's to be exact.*

            Janeway's anger vanished and was replaced with horror.  She could hear the gasps from the others on the bridge, but ignored them.  She saw Chakotay's blank expression crack as he made a face of supreme annoyance and his hand make a tight fist, but his eyes still looked dead.  Pushed to make a guess, Kathryn would gamble that she just heard something Chakotay would have preferred her not hear.

            "Very well Doctor, I will head right down."  Looking at Janeway, he had the lifeless look back in his features.  Silently asking her permission to talk later, she nodded her head this time in fear rather than anger and Chakotay walked painfully over to the Turbolift.  This was happening faster than he would have hoped.  Already getting around was painful and soon impossible.  Perhaps he should have resigned tomorrow rather than next week.  With a little luck, he would be off of the ship by the time it got to noticeable.  Nobody would see him become like his grandfather, he would make sure of it.

****

            "Doctor, are you sure that your numbers are accurate?"  The First Officer had only asked the question as it was no doubt expected of him.  Chakotay had gotten to sickbay about twenty minutes ago and had heard the words he had been partially expecting.  His level of brain activity was dropping without apparent cause and if it didn't stop, he would die within a few days.

            "Unfortunately, yes.  It's almost as if you body were bleeding it off, but there is nothing I can do and there is no physical ailments I can attribute it too."  The EMH of the Federation Star Ship Voyager didn't like being stumped, but this was one time he could think of even a potential treatment.  "You have described some memory loss, people's names and such, and pain getting around.  All of that is systematic of what's going on with your brain.  It's actually a lot like the physical manifestations of a brain tumor."

            Chakotay knew what had happened to his grandfather and knew pretty well the timetable in which it happened.  "Doctor, what exactly will happen to me if this continues at the present rate and about how long do I have?"  He knew that he shouldn't hear his fate, but he had nothing else to look forward too.

            The EMH sighed.  It wasn't easy telling people how they were going to die, which is why he tried to make it that they never did.  "Basic motor skills are first with memory loss second.  Eventually, you won't be able to speak and after enough time, your body will stop carrying out the basic functions like breathing.  The final stage is when the body will completely shut down and things like your heart will stop beating and the digestive process will cease.  But, by that time, you will be far removed from consciousness."  Glancing at his datapad, the EMH sighed.  "Given the present rate, this should all come to a close in about nine days."

            "What might I be like in five days.  I knew that this was happening, so I resigned as First Officer and made it effective in one week.  Will I be able to carry out my duties?"

            The Doc's ears perked up at that admission, but choose to place it second in his reply.  "In five days, you will no doubt not be able to walk great distances, if at all, and your no doubt your speech will be slurred.  Already you are limping and your joints are stiffening up, in the next few days, you will no doubt need a cane to help you walk.  I have no doubt that your beating on the holodeck furthered this along by a great deal, another session like that may move the timetable up by a significant amount.  You said you knew what was happening, how did you know that?"

            "When I was a child, my grandmother was killed in an unfortunate accident and my grandfather refused to accept what was happening.  He refused to think he was going to have to live his life without her.  We all thought it was going to be in his best interest to help him move on.  Unfortunately for us, we succeeded and he acknowledged her death, but something started to happen to him.  He started to loose weight and his joints stiffened up.  After a while, he didn't know any names and ended up a vegetable.  One day, about a week and a half after it all started, we found him dead."  Chakotay paused, and saw the EMH's expression of disbelief.  "None of the typical doctors on Dorvan knew why he had died so suddenly, so we went to a shaman.  The shaman was very old and claimed to know why and was angry that we didn't.  In my culture, according to him at least, it is believed that we all have one half of a soul and that we spend our lives searching for the other half.  When we do find it, we are at peace even in the worst of conditions and that we draw strength from it.  If something were to happen to your mate after your souls have been joined, your soul will bleed until you die physically.  The 'Sharing of the Soul' happens a lot in my people, but wasn't talked about for many years.  Not until the Cardassian attacks, that is.  It is also fairly common in human's, although no religious significance is attached to it.  When a couple that has been married for many years has one of them die, the other tends to follow very shortly, within a year or so.  To my people, it happens much faster."

            The EMH absorbed this information for a few moments.  "Judging by that story, I take it that you recently had you soul torn in two?"

            "Yes, my other half has fallen in love with someone else."

            "I am going to have to tell the Captain."

            "I would prefer her not knowing about this, but if you do feel the need to tell her, please Doctor, nothing about 'Sharing of the Souls' please.  She wouldn't understand."  Even now, even when his feelings for his Captain were being erased, part of him still tried to protect her.

            The EMH nodded and went on with his work after releasing him to his quarters.  He knew who the Commander was talking about, the rumor's of Kashyk staying aboard in the Captain's cabin had been circulating.  Obviously, it was not just a rumor.

****

            Captain Kathryn Janeway strode purposefully toward her quarters to be with Kashyk.  She longed for his embrace and the love that he gave her.  Her day had been wrought with one issue after another.  She had received a few communications of congratulations about her new relationship, but the overriding sensation had been that many were upset that Chakotay was leaving.  She knew that most blamed her, but it wasn't her fault, it simply couldn't be.  Stepping up to her door, she prepared to fire her code into the computer, but paused when her eye's hit her Commander's door.  She had meant to talk with him about his decision to resign and about what the EMH had to speak with him about.  Deciding to try some damage control, she walked over and pressed the chime to let him know someone was outside.

            The allowance was fast and Janeway saw him sitting at his couch reading some pads.  To her surprise, he could barely seem to rise to his feet.  "How was your visit to the Doctors?"  Trying to engage him in idle conversation first, the woman was determined to convince him to stay on the ship as First Officer.

            Unfortunately for her, Chakotay knew what she was doing.  "Informative."  

            Janeway cursed under her breath.  "I would like to talk to you about your wish to resign."  If he was going to make this difficult than fine.  Looking around his living room, she was rocked to see that nothing personal of his remained.  Every picture and knickknack was gone.  He saw her expression of surprise.

            "Don't bother, nothing personal remains in that nature remains.  I destroyed all of it, medicine bundle included.  As for my resignation, it's not a wish, it's a necessity.  I will be physically unable and emotionally unwilling to be your First Officer in a week.  Get a replacement, your good at that."  Kathryn didn't like the sound of this in the least.

            "Why did you destroy your things and why wouldn't you be able to physically be my number one in a week?"  She knew that she didn't want the answers to either question, but she had to do something.  He couldn't leave her.

            "I've lost over ten pounds since yesterday, I can't eat without throwing up and it hurts to move.  My brain is always in a sort of haze and nothing is going to help."

            "Stay aboard, Chakotay."  At the sight of his head snapping up to hers abruptly, Janeway ignored his silent objection to his name.  "The Doctor can help you.  I need you on Voyager, don't leave me."

            "First of all, I'm leaving this ship and nothing you are willing to do is going to change that.  Second, I told you before, don't call me by my name, you lost that right.  The Doctor can't help me as what's happening to me as it all is engrained into my religion, and he told me so himself.  Finally, you left me and than forced me to leave you."  Galvanized, the man jumped to his feet.  "I gave up a lot when you chose to finally get a personal life and unless you feel like hearing all of it, I suggest you walk out of here right now."

            Janeway stood her ground, she had to know what he was eluding to.  "What?  What did you give up last night?"

            "I gave my life."  Kathryn gasped and stumbled backwards, her mind refusing to admit it were true.  "I told you didn't want to hear it.  It's not your fault.  You never asked for me to give you the power that you had, so obviously you didn't know that you tore me too shreds when you threw Kashyk at me and claimed not to love me.  The best parts of my life have been obliterated, my ability to meditate is gone and I no longer walk with spirits.  They have abandoned me, just like I have abandoned hope.  I have only the embrace of death to look forward to, and I can only wish that it comes sooner than later."

            Janeway's mind floundered.  "But, I can help you get it back.  If you stay on Voyager, we will work together to help you through this."

            Chakotay weakly snorted in contempt.  "No, we can't.  You have a life now Captain, and the longer we stay next to each other, the more the crew will reject Kashyk and after a while I'm sure he would start getting jealous."  Janeway wanted so desperately to deny his words, but she knew it was true.  Kashyk would get jealous and who could blame him if he did?  

            When he realized that anything she was tempted to say before was now halted, he continued.  "If something happens to your soul, your body reflects it.  I gave you my soul on New Earth and that's been what has feed us these years.  That has been the spark when we touch, the reason our bodies feel the pull while sitting on the bridge, the reason I found peace of mind.  It hasn't been there because that connection has been severed and now my body is reflecting it.  I knew that this would happen, but it had to be done.  Think of it as the last act of the man who loved you."  Chakotay dropped his head, seemingly in sadness although his face never showed one emotion during his words.  Janeway on the other hand was crying openly.

            "Captain, if it is any consolation, according to my people, once it is done, there is no return known return.  You can't fix this.  When I leave the ship, everybody will assume that I've gone on to happiness and, with time, you and your lover will be accepted.  I told you I had given you more than you thought."

            Janeway fought the confusion and fear that racked her mind.  "How come you never told me about this before?  Why would you give something like your happiness, your hope for me?"

            "You would have never listened to me.  How would the Captain of Voyager have responded to such words?  I gave what I did because I had to respect the promise I made you and because I loved you.  I use past tense as once we were severed, my feelings for you, and by extension every wonderful things I had associated with you, vanished.  I promised to make your burdens lighter and by refusing to accept your lover, I wouldn't have done that.  The problem was that in order to accept him, I had to let you go and willingly give up and allow my very spirit to be crushed.  My want to continue this journey has died and my spirit shattered.  It's all gone just as it should be, just as it has to be, so you can move on with your life.  I am void of life, hope, and peace.  You have a chance at happiness, Captain, go with it."

            Chakotay saw the internal war in her eyes and that the questions were mounting in her mouth.  Not wishing to talk any more, he walking over to her, he simply looked into her eyes, grateful that she no longer mattered to him in that way any longer.  "Goodnight Captain and sleep well.  One of us should."  Steering her over to the door, the Commander simply pushed her out in the hallway.

****

            After being basically ejected from Chakotay's cabin, Kathryn trudged over to her own quarters and swiftly entered.  In her quarters, Kashyk demanded to know why she was next door.  "Kathryn, I head you over there.  Has he been trying something with you?  I swear if he has, I will kill him!"

            Janeway had to physically restrain herself from slapping him across the face in rage.  "Kashyk, Chakotay hasn't been doing anything to me.  He's been acting… odd lately and I needed to talk with him.  Besides, he is my Commander and if I need to speak with him after his and my shift have ended, then that's what I'm going to do.  We talked about this before Kashyk, I am the Captain of this ship and as such I sometimes need to sacrifice my personal time to make sure that everything on Voyager works the way it should.  If you can't accept that than perhaps we are going to have to reevaluate what's been going on between us."  She saw the look of supreme disbelief mixed with anger cross his features.  "I'm sorry, but you knew that there were going to be some contingencies along with this relationship.  Welcome to one of them."

            Feeling her anger subsiding, Kathryn looked down at her table and saw the dinner Kashyk had prepared for her and she suddenly felt a wave of guilt pass over her.  However, Janeway's resolve re-strengthened when her eyes found themselves staring at the wall she and Chakotay shared.  She had made him sacrifice far more than a few minutes, Kashyk would be no exception.  "Look, I'm not hungry right tonight.  We'll talk sometime tomorrow, I promise."  Kathryn picked herself up and started towards her bedroom.

            Thinking that there were about to officially make up, Kashyk quickly rose from where he had been sitting and started pulling at his belt.   

            Kathryn saw this, but stopped him.  "Kashyk, I'm not really in the mood for that tonight and besides, I need to be alone tonight to think about some things."  Although she couldn't have been sure as it happened very fast, Janeway would have sworn Kashyk leveled a murderous glare in her First Officer's direction.

            What ever he was thinking was quickly masked by kind words.  "I understand, we can just talk more tomorrow.  I just get a bit envious when other men, who I know have crushes on you, start spending time with you after hours.  Take all the time you need, but if you change your mind, I'll be on the couch."

            Kathryn felt her heart start to melt at the apparent act of selflessness.  She was tempted to renege and take him to bed with her, but decided that one night wasn't too much to spare when she knew that they had an entire lifetime ahead of them.

            Entering her bedroom, the woman quickly shed herself of the uniform and got under the covers.  For the first time in many days, Kathryn found herself putting her hand against the wall she and Chakotay's bedrooms shared.  It had become a bit of a tradition for her before, but she had stopped when her bed had gotten a fulltime partner.  Feeling the cold bulkhead under her palm, Janeway wondered why she would be so inclined to do this now, but here she was.  For the first time since her romantic relationship with the D'vor inspector had started, she found herself asking a question that just days ago would have been absolutly heretical:  'Did I make the wrong decision?'

            Unknown to her, Chakotay found himself doing the exact same thing in his own quarters.  He tried to stop his body from performing this old act he had performed countless times before, but it did it anyway.  But, why?

****

            Kashyk lay on the Captain's couch with a scowl on his face.  For the second time in as many days, Kathryn had come home and groused about that First Officer of hers.  How dare that man try and steal his woman.  Obviously he had no sense of right and wrong.  Perhaps he was going to have to teach this 'Chakotay' a lesson in manners.

            Leveling another smoldering glare at the wall as he felt something burying itself deep into his spinal column, Kashyk started to plan.  Kathryn is and always will be his and nobody was going to stop that.


	5. Fading Away

            The next day wasn't all that great for Commander Chakotay.  The crew was beginning to notice the physical change and the ones going on inside of him and the questions were flying, although few were actually answered.  He had lost more weight and his uniform now hung from his body like it were many sizes to big.  His face was pale and gaunt while dark circles under each of his eyes.  His rich, tanned, skin had turned an unhealthy shade of gray and even his tattoo was fading away.  Whereas before the look of an emotionless void had cracked once in a while and he would make a semi-normal expression, he had furthur retreated into himself and now his conversations consisted of little more than two word answers.  The dimples of his smile where gone and what replaced them was a barren wasteland of skin.  Women from across the ship had taken to grieving at the death of the man that most of them wanted.

            Sitting in the middle of these women was Kathryn Janeway.  Chakotay had deteriorated much since their talk in his quarters just the other night.  He now walked with a noticeable limp and his answers to questions took much longer and what did came out was nothing of any substance.  In an attempt to find out more about what was going on in his mind, how far he sunk into obscurity, Kathryn asking him a personal question about New Earth but that had done little but garner her a blank look of ignorance.  Tears burned her eyes at the concept he could no longer remember that which he had most loved before.  He was determined to leave the ship, and wasn't going to wait for an M-Class planet to do so.

            After a physically painful duty session, Chakotay had wanted to do little but just give in and die, but forced himself to remain in good enough condition to beam down to a new home.  Basically crawling into the Turbolift to go home, the Commander felt his mind cloud over.  He had already given Tuvok most of his logs and notes about things that were going to need to be done, but not soon enough to for him.  Leaving the lift and heading towards his living space, he never noticed Kashyk step out of the Captain's quarters.  Typing his command code for entry, Chakotay heard someone behind him clear his throat in an obvious attempt to get attention.

            Turning around, the First Officer found himself face to face with his Captain's lover.  Kashyk spoke first.

            "You're the Kathryn's second in command, right?"  Seeing the man nod his head slowly, Kashyk continued.  "Kathryn's mine, do you hear me?  You might be in love with her, but she's in love with me and that's all that matters.  If I ever hear about you even talking to her about something that isn't ship related, I will kill you.  Stay away from her after duty and if she tries to talk to you, tell her to leave.  Do you understand?"  Seeing his blank expression, Kashyk stepped forward in a threatening manner.  "I said 'do you understand.'"

            Chakotay honestly didn't know what the man wanted him to say.  Nothing that was being said was getting though the fog.  Looking down in an attempt to search his mind once more, he suddenly saw a flash of light and promptly found himself on the floor of his quarters with his nose bleeding and Kashyk entering the door way.  He looked up as Kashyk started to kick him in the ribs as hard as he could, smiling as he heard a crack in the fallen mans chest.  The pain entered Chakotay's mind, but his arms and legs refused to work for him.  When the kicking stopped, he felt his body start responding again and tried to get up and defend himself.

            "You should have listened to me.  Maybe you would have lived a little bit longer.  It's nothing personal, but Kathryn Janeway is my property and you are not helping."  Kashyk was mildly surprised when the bloody man rose to his feet, yet for some reason the officer didn't attempt to strike.  Thinking it a temporary occurrence, Kashyk grabbed Chakotay's arm and used it to throw him head first into a table.

            Chakotay hit his kitchen table and felt it crumble beneath him as he heard the glass shatter and faintly felt parts of him be cut up in the process.  He saw more blood, but never even tried to help himself.  He never called for help as Kashyk started to kick him harder in the face than he did his chest just moments before.  He looked on as his attacker lifted one of the chairs and processed to bash it over his body.  Chakotay's ability to care at these recent turn of events failed him just as his body did.  Maybe he was destined to die on Voyager at the hands of a jealous maniac.  He never tried to deflect the blows, even as he slipped into oblivion.

****

            Kathryn Janeway stepped into the turbo lift at the end of her shift, just thankful to have be over with.  Everybody the attention of most on board seemed to be drawn to the look of death that their First Officer exuded.  The announcement of her and Kashyk's relationship had been confirmed earlier today to the rest of the crew and while some were happy about her new found love, nearly everybody seemed in grieving mood on behalf of her second in command, even Harry Kim seemed a bit morose at the concept of promotion.  They all knew that while she had someone, he didn't and that it had tore him apart.  News about their First Officer's walking catatonia had reached most also and Neelix was reporting moral being lower than he had ever seen it before.  Fights were beginning to break out between one time friends, and this time, the divisions weren't healing.  She had actually heard that there were more than a few people who talked of quitting right along side Chakotay.  Tuvok had even noted after the daily briefing that the name 'Kashyk' was being treated like a swear word across the ship.

            The sadistic part of her mind kept bombarding her with thoughts like her decision was what was killing him and tearing the crew apart and turning the ship's morale into… this.  The worst part was that it wasn't far from the truth and she knew it.  She had always had some idea as too how much he had invested into her, and she had known that he would be hurt to know it was all in vain, but this was like nothing imaginable.

            How could she put on an air of contentment knowing that she had chosen a lover over her best friend?  In an ideal world, she wouldn't have to choose.  In an ideal world, Chakotay and her lover would be one and the same, but this is the Delta Quadrant (aka, as far from ideal as you can hope to get).  Shaking her head at that, Janeway scolded herself.  How could she hope for Chakotay to get over her if part of her wasn't yet over him?

            Exiting the lift, she walked toward her cabin, but found herself pausing.  She knew that his shift and hers had ended at about the same time and that, given his condition, he wouldn't have worked overtime (she silently thanked Tuvok for doing so).  Maybe she should just check up on him too see how he was doing, he wasn't well after all.  Glancing at her own door once again, Janeway remembered her conversation with Kashyk from the night before and didn't really want a repeat performance of that.  She needed that warmth that he was offering her and the comfort at knowing he loved her.  Even if her mind was with someone else.  Calmly opening her door, she wondered why it was a major part of her mind seemed to be screaming to check up on Chakotay.

**** 

            Meanwhile, the subject of Kathryn Janeway's thought's awoke in the wreckage of his kitchen table.  Looking around in confusion, Chakotay attempted to get up, but for some reason his legs didn't seem to want to work.  Using his arms, he slowly crawled toward his bathroom, never once calling sickbay or any person for help.  Through the wall, he could hear a faint conversation between his Captain and her lover, but it held no meaning to him so he continued onwards.

            Upon entering, Chakotay had no sooner gotten to the toilet before he found himself vomiting up some of his own blood.  Looking at the red contents without interest, he used the bowl as leverage to get to his feet finally.  

            Once he achieved that initial objective, the Commander limped over to his mirror to look at himself.  His right eye was nearly swollen shut, lip bleeding, nose visibly broken and there were black and blue patches all over his face.  His entire complexion was gray rather than red and his tattoo seemed to have faded from deep indigo to baby blue.  Looking at the rest of his body, Chakotay noticed with detachment that his uniform hung off his body and that the one eye that hadn't been hit hard dark lines under and that his face looked emaciated in the undamaged area.

            Walking out of the bathroom, he slowly made his way over to the door leading into the hallway.  He had a bridge duty to attend to.  Going through the corridors of Voyager, Chakotay bumped into no one and the lift was empty as well.  Trying to order the deck he wanted, he Commander found himself unable to speak, so rather he punched the necessary buttons.  Going up, he felt his body start to give under his own weight, but balanced his body out with the help of the railing.  When the doors opened, he pushed himself toward the newly formed opening.  He could see that Tuvok was currently in the Captain's chair and wondered briefly if his shift was already starting.  Tuvok he remembered worked with him before he was attacked, maybe he laid there all night.

            The Ensign at Harry Kim's usual station of Ops heard the lift doors open and instinctively looked to see who the new occupant was. She saw a man stumble through and found herself screaming when she realized who it was and what his condition was.

            Tuvok quickly got up and turned around, prepared to give her lecture about screaming on duty, but then followed her line of sight.  He could see Commander Chakotay staggering out of the turbo lift looking like hell.  Although some of the blood was dry, the cuts seemed new and the blood flowed from them freely.  Tuvok continued to watch in paralyzed fascination as Chakotay stopped abruptly and looked up toward the ceiling.  While everyone on the bridge watched in horror, the First Officer of Voyager suddenly looked like a volcano as blood exploded out of his mouth like lava.

            When it stopped, Chakotay lowered his head again and saw that everyone was looking at him in speechless horror, the Vulcan included.  He once more started in the direction of his command chair.

            Remembering who he was and what he just witnessed, Tuvok bound over to his comrade, thankful he had chosen to work a double shift.  "Commander Chakotay, what happened?"  Tuvok looked on as the wounded man raised his head with an expression of confusion on his face.  Seeing that the Commander's condition of blankness and that he obviously had no idea himself, Tuvok swiftly called for an emergency transport for himself and Chakotay to sickbay.

            Rematerializing in sickbay, the doctor was immediately activated and shocked to see Voyager's second and third commanding officers before him, with the former looking so horrible.  "Oh my God, what happened to him?"  Jumping right into his work, the EMH along with Tuvok lifted the nearly unconscious man onto a biobed.  After the… incident… a few nights ago, the Doctor had discreetly set up an alarm which would sound if the Commander had gone into a holodeck so he knew that this wasn't another case of holo-boxing gone awry.

            "I do not know Doctor.  He simply walked onto the bridge in this condition.  I attempted to ask him that question myself, but he never answered.  I will notify the Captain of these events."  Stepping back a few paces, Tuvok rose his hand to call the Captain to apprise her of the First Officer's condition.  Suddenly, Chakotay's torso rose off the table and grabbed Tuvok and brought him in close.

            All through the transport and in sickbay so far, Chakotay had remained silent.  He hadn't fought either Tuvok or the EMH when they lifted him, but when he heard that Janeway was going to be called, something deep within Chakotay snapped and took control of him long enough to grab Tuvok and speak to him.  "No, no Captain.  Promise me.  Not until you have proof about who did this.  Please, Tuvok."  Whatever had possessed him long enough to say that, let go suddenly and the aimless man he had been returned once more.

            Tuvok had seen the change come over him briefly and then the return of the nothingness Chakotay had become.  Nodding his head, Tuvok silently agreed to obey the wishes of his friend.  "Doctor, monitor his condition, but do not report any of this to the Captain yet.  I shall notify the Captain personally after I have investigated the Commanders attack."  Seeing the EMH nod quickly while still running a dermal generator over Chakotay's eye, Tuvok slapped him com badge and ordered a security team to meet him outside Commander Chakotay's cabin immediately.

****

            Janeway was lying in bed with Kashyk who was fast asleep.  He tended to be tired after their nightly workouts, but she was just the opposite and this one of those times that she wished she could just talk to him.  She really wasn't in the mood for… that tonight, but she knew that if she had refused him a second time, he may misunderstand it.  Looking at the bulkhead nearest to her, she wondered what Chakotay was doing at this moment.  Knowing the 'new' Chakotay, he probably was just sitting down waiting to go back on duty or just coping with the pain that had become his constant companion, but the old Chakotay… he would probably be on a vision quest or reading a book of poetry or philosophy.  It was so horrible to think that she and he couldn't be friends like that anymore, but the decision had been made and they both had to live with it.

            The sad part was that Janeway knew that if he was permanently sick, she helped caused it.  He was his old self until she lied to him that night in her Ready Room and then he just… changed.  She knew that saying to him that she didn't love him and then to flaunt her living with Kashyk was cruel, but it wasn't suppose to affect him like this.  He was suppose to realize that his life had to go on.  He wasn't suppose to just stop being.  She pushed him too far this time, and now he was… a stranger.  She had broken him and now the very faith that he had used to go on countless times in the past was being used against him and eating him alive.  She knew that Chakotay loved her and she knew that she loved him, but the ship, Kashyk, all of it was against her… against them.

            'Well, you got what you wanted, Kathryn.  He no longer looks at you like a woman, and he will most likely die alone because even if he manages to recover, he will no doubt never fall in love again.  Who would want to feel that sort of pain ever again?'  Kathryn tried to erase the thoughts from her mind, but she couldn't.  She wanted Chakotay to stop with his romantic pursuits, but never had she believed it would get this far.  'Chakotay found a way to give me what I want and used his sanity and maybe his life to do it.  He doesn't love me anymore.'  Just the thought brought tears to her eyes.

****

            Commander Tuvok exited the lift on Command Quarter's deck.  Seeing a detail waiting for him, Tuvok found himself watching his Captain's door to make sure that no one disturbed her or her… guest.  Forced to admit it, Tuvok would have to say didn't like Kashyk anymore than Chakotay had when it thought his sojourn on Voyager was temporary, and now that he looked like he would stay, it wasn't hard to see why the Commander might lose his bearing.  Tuvok had learned quite awhile ago that Captain Janeway was the other part to Commander Chakotay, too lose that was no doubt akin to getting his soul ripped in half.  Even Vulcan's aren't completely immune to the effects of their bond mates.

            Pushing all thought from his mind, Tuvok entered Chakotay's quarters and immediately saw the destruction.  The glass kitchen table was destroyed and it looked as if one of the chairs had been used as a weapon.  Ordering no one be allowed in, even the Captain, Tuvok and one other person walked into the room and started scanning for evidence.  Overall, there wasn't much, but what they did find was significant.  A few trace elements DNA elements were found on a chair that was obviously used in the beating of the First Officer.  Running his tricorder of the markings, Tuvok was mildly surprised when the readings came up as 'unknown' in the computer database, which meant that whoever did this, wasn't a member of the known crew as Tuvok had entered all of the DNA patterns into his tricorder just in case of this exact sort of occurrence.  This was perplexing to say the least.

            Going to Chakotay's terminal, Tuvok swiftly assessed that no one had used it since Chakotay, which ruled out someone attempting to hack into his logs for whatever reason and simply had been surprised when the occupant had returned.  It was becoming more and more obvious that whomever did this had only the Commanders destruction in mind.  Logging in under his own name, Tuvok checked the computer logs and found while it said nobody had entered his cabin with him, Chakotay lost conscious shortly after the end of the Alpha shift.  Checking all people who were in the hallway during that time, Tuvok discovered something interesting.  It appeared that something just appeared in the hallway directly in front of Captain Janeway's quarters mere seconds before Commander Chakotay's doors opened, this ghost person who seemed to conjure out of nowhere then vanished for 3.4 minutes only to reappear in the hallway, go to the Captain's domicile and vanish once more.  Calling up this persons location at the time the Commander lost consciousness and the surrounding time that the Commander was no doubt being beaten, he found the information didn't exist.  Very few people knew that Tuvok had secondary security sensors added in the corridors of Voyager that only he and a few select others had access too.  

            Suddenly, Tuvok remembered Chakotay's words: 'No Captain.  Not until you have proof about who did this.'  Logging off, Tuvok stood up and left the room leaving the other person who had been taking pictures.  He let the detail outside know that no one was too know about what happened or be allowed inside and that included Captain Janeway.


	6. Fading Away

            Tuvok entered sickbay just minutes after he had finished in the Chakotay's cabin only to see the EMH with a uncharacteristic look of worry on his face.  Walking into his office, Tuvok noticed that the doctor seemed to be concentrating on a chart on the monitor.

            "Doctor, have you any progress to report."  The sight of the hologram jumping slightly would have given anybody a smirk, but the Second Officer was in no mood to smirk on this day.

            "Yes, but all bad I'm afraid.  Tuvok, I am going to tell you something that I told Commander Chakotay just yesterday, but I don't think that you'll like it."  Seeing Tuvok's customary look of impassivity, the EMH explained.  "Do you see this chart?  On every crew member, I have included a sort of transmitter and that relays to me information concerning the health of the crew, blood pressure, heart rate, that sort of thing.  This is a record of Commander Chakotay's brain activity over the past four days.  Do you see how it remained in the normal margins until this dramatic drop in activity here happened a few days ago?  Although that's bad, it's not insurmountable.  What is far worse, however, is that it has been steadily moving downwards.  It spiked up to about normal when he first came to sickbay, most likely when he grabbed you, but it fell right back afterwards.  I'm afraid that I don't know how to get it back up where it is suppose to be and unless I do or it levels of, Commander Chakotay will die."

            "Why would he die, doctor?"  The EMH sighed.  Sometimes the ignorance around him got to be too much.

            "The level's he's working on now are enough to keep the automated functions working and little else, but after a while, he won't be able to breath on his own, and after that, his brain won't be able keep his heart pumping.  To loose brain activity completely, which is where the Commander is heading, and your entire body would shut down.  Already he had lost a dramatic amount of weight, some of his memories, even the skin color is losing its pigment.  To be simplistic, the Commander is being erased."

            "Doctor, I refuse to believe that this cannot be remedied in some manner."

            "I wish it could be fixed, but this would require something a bit more than a band-aid.  The only way I can see the Commander getting better is if the source of the initial trauma were resolved, which I fully believe is emotional rather than physical.  Unfortunately for Commander Chakotay, the only person who can do that is most likely Captain Janeway, and I really can't foresee her doing that."  Tuvok thought for a moment.

            "If the Captain were notified about what she would have to say, I am confident that she would take the steps asked of her."  Exercising his holographic lungs once more, the EMH sighed.

            "Yes, but that might not really do it.  She would have to come to the realization on her own and patch this up using words from her heart.  It couldn't be scripted or faked, and at this point I don't know if the Commander would even be able to comprehend what she were saying."

            "I see.  If someone where attacked and the had the brain activity level of the Commander, what might happen Doctor?"

            The EMH's eye brows rose at the swift change in topic, but ignored it.  "They most likely wouldn't fight back.  They either wouldn't feel the pain or have the reflexes to fight back even if they tried.  To attack someone with this level of brain activity would be like beating a pillow."

            Tuvok felt his Vulcan heart harden at that last part.  He and Voyager's First Officer, although never friends, did have a respect for each other and had been known to speak together off duty.  "Doctor, could the Commander have sustained the physical injuries he did in a matter of three and a half minutes if he didn't fight back at all?  Also, why wasn't this reported to the Captain when it was discovered?"

            "Yes, between three and four minutes would be enough time if the Commander weren't fighting back, which I don't believe he could at this point.  However, it would take some very vicious blows.  I have evidence that the Commander was kicked in both the chest and the face as well as glass fragments in various areas of his body.  In fact, in one area, he was kicked so hard that a partial boot tread has been found.  As to your other question, the Commander asked me not to as the Captain.  Commander Chakotay felt that he himself would have to tell her."  Tuvok's eye brows both rose at the boot print part.

            "Understood.  You said before that you found a partial tread, did you save it?  

            The EMH nodded, glad that he didn't just run the dermal regenerator over it as he had almost done.  Pulling up Chakotay's gown, Tuvok clearly saw a pattern on the Commander's multi colored skin.  The Doctor answered the unasked question.  "I know it's a print by the way the skin is less damaged in the certain areas.  A flat surface would have damaged evenly, this is more fractured, and looking at the more damaged and less damaged areas, a pattern can be seen."

            The Security Chief noted to himself that whatever boot was used wasn't StarFleet issue, he turned back to the EMH.  "I examined the Commanders quarters and found a trace of DNA that I believe belongs to the culprit.  In my tricorder, I have all of the crews DNA samples in there, however what I found didn't match anyone.  Could you run this through medical database to see if you find a match?  My tricorder has DNA information of all crew members of Voyager, yet this was listed as unknown."

            "Of course.  Let me see the sample."  Tuvok handed the EMH the tricorder with the data on it and saw him input the information on his computer.  After looking at his terminal for a few minutes, the EMH's eyes nearly popped out of his head in shock.  "I found a match, but I'm not surprised that you didn't.  I just added this person yesterday.  It's Inspector Kashyk."

            Tuvok slowly got up and hit his combadge.  "Computer, has Kashyk ever been inside Commander Chakotay's quarters since he came aboard Voyager?"

            "Negative."

            Sharing a look, Tuvok asked a question with eyes and the EMH heard loud an clear.  "It is his DNA, and that would explain the boot print not being StarFleet issue.  Overall, I'm 99.6% sure it was the Inspector.  As far as a computer is concerned, that's a safe bet."  Tuvok nodded his head almost sadly.

            "Tuvok to Captain Janeway."

****

            Kathryn Janeway was still in bed when she heard the call.  "Janeway here.  Tuvok, it's kind of late, what do you need?"  She had just started to doze when the call came in.  She didn't want to leave Kashyk.

            *I apologize Captain, but I need you to report to sickbay immediately.  I will answer all of your questions then.  Tuvok out.*

            Any temptation to stay was scrubbed out when she heard her second's clipped communication.  Whatever it was was important enough to warrant a call this late.  Creeping out of bed so as not to disturb Kashyk, Kathryn slipped into her living room and retrieved the uniform she and her man had stripped off as soon as she made her decision not visit Chakotay that evening.  Putting it on quickly, she slipped out of her cabin doors and saw to her surprise a security detail standing outside her First Officers door.

            Ignoring Tuvok for a moment, Kathryn walked up to the guards.  "Why are you two standing here?"

            "Commander Tuvok ordered it Captain.  We aren't allowed to permit anybody into that room except him nor are we able to talk about what this room contains."

            Janeway almost stumbled backwards.  It was ridiculous.  Chakotay's quarters off limits, it was ludicrous, it was damn near laughable, it was…  Kathryn's urge to smile died as she made the connection.  Oh, God.  Chakotay was the reason she was going to sickbay.  Had something happened?  Had his sickness gotten so bad that the Doctor needed a site-to-site transport?  But that wouldn't account for the guards.  Guards are the hallmark of a crime scene.

            Spinning around, Janeway tore off in the direction of the lift, hoping that her decision earlier and the feeling that she would regret it was only in her mind.  She never noticed that she passed Kashyk, standing just outside her door, who had awoken and tried to get her back to bed.

****

            Kathryn blasted through the sickbay doors in nearly record time.  Scanning the room, her eyes landing on her First Officer on a biobed.  Her legs, moving of their own volition, brought her next to him.  If it were possible, he looked hundreds of times worse than he did when he got off duty earlier that night.  She didn't even hear the doctor or Tuvok approach.

            "Captain?"  Tuvok spoke first.  He knew that she wouldn't like where this conversation was going to go, but it needed to happen.

            "What happening to him?  Why isn't he awake?"  The EMH answered that one.

            "Quite simply, Captain, he's dying."  Janeway's eyes snapped up at that and she found herself backing toward the door.  Her mind became chaotic and the very concept.

            "You're lying to me.  You have to be.  The Commander is alright.  Tuvok, you tell him that Chakotay's going to be alright."  She waited, but Tuvok simply lowered his head for a moment.

            "Captain, the doctor is not lying.  I choose not to believe it at first myself, but it is happening anyway."  Kathryn's eyes blurred over in grief.  She lost him as a friend and now she was going to lose any hope that he and she could salvage anything.

            "Why?  What is causing it?"

            "Honestly, Captain, I don't know _exactly_ what is causing it, but I have a feeling that it is the Commander killing himself slowly.  I can't treat this."

            Janeway's legs gave out and she collapsed to the carpet.  No, this had to be a dream.  A nightmare.  It couldn't be real, she couldn't be loosing him.  "How is he doing that in you opinion?"

            The doctor didn't like having conversations like this.  "The Commander's brain activity has been dropping to near fatal levels.  There is no physical reason for this, so I can only reason that it's emotional.  His body weight, skin color, his tattoo, in essence he is just fading away into nothingness.  To be even more simplistic Captain, Commander Chakotay is becoming no more."

            Attempting to try and grab one of her errant thoughts, the lone woman found she couldn't.  Thousands of voices were screaming in her mind.  Janeway was trying to outpace the demons in her mind that said he was doing to her what she did to him, but it wasn't working.  "How long has this been going on?"  She already knew the answer.

            "Judging by the scans I have, I would say about three days ago."  Janeway let out a strangled moan.

            "That was when I told him about Kashyk staying on board Voyager.  I saw a change in him, but I just wrote it off to stress.  He told me a couple of days ago that I would never fully understand the sacrifice he had made, but I just ignored it."  The scientist in her started coming into prominence as her other faculties failed.  "People can't control the amount of brain activity, no matter how hard they try.  How can he be doing it."

            The Doctor answered this one.  "Commander Chakotay once told me about his religious beliefs and how something like this happened to two people he was related too and I believe that it may be what's going on now.  However, you may not like hearing it."

            "Just say it.  I'm a grownup."  Janeway didn't want to waste any time.  If she found out how it happened, maybe she could think of a way to undo it.

            "Very well.  The Commander told me once about his grandmother and grandfather who lived on Dorvan along with his family before they died tragically years before the Cardassian raids.  As he told it too me, one day his grandmother was killed in an unfortunate accident, but his grandfather escaped without injury.  After the funeral, the old man tried to deny what was the truth, that he was alone, but it was forced upon him by a family who believed it wrong to let him have live his life in the past.  One day, they finally were successful.

            "However, something unexpected happened.  Rather than go on with life, his entire body started shutting down, as if it were too grieved to go on without the woman whom he loved.  He lost weight, his skin dulled in color, he couldn't eat not sleep.  He died a few days later, and in an attempt to figure out what had happened, they traveled to see a shaman.  The shaman told them about a part of their religion that wasn't talked about by most.  It is called 'the sharing of souls' and simply put, the people believe that for every person born, they have half a soul and they are never at piece until they find the other half.  If, however something happens to their mate, the soul is ripped in half and the person left basically bleed to death.  My theory is that the you are the keeper of the other half of his soul, and as such, when you informed him of your… current romantic situation… his soul was ripped in two, and he is now dying in the same manner of his grandfather."

            Kathryn paled during the telling of this tale.  Chakotay had practically screamed that tale at her the other night in his quarters, but she was so obsessed about getting him back as XO and then getting to be with Kashyk, she ignored the undertones.  Reexamining his words, she bit her bottom lip with self rage.  It was now so obvious, but she was to blindsided to see it until now.  "Is there anything that can be done about this?"

            The doctor punched up another view of his brain activity chart and frowned.  "Honestly, I don't think so Captain."  At her expression of heart break, the EMH started rambling.  Rambling was such a human foible, but he had heard it done so often and by some many people who were anxiously awaiting news of injured loved one, it rubbed off on him.  "So little of the real world is penetrating his mind, I really don't know what would.  To be honest, I'm not surprised he didn't fight back earlier when he was attacked…"

            Janeway's hair stood on end with this latest piece on information.  "Attacked?  What do you mean attacked?"  The EMH ceased blithering and received a glare from both people in the room.  Seeing the ineffectiveness of the EMH at this juncture, Tuvok decided it was time to let the other shoe drop.

            "Captain, I regret to inform you that Commander Chakotay was assaulted in his quarters before Alpha Shift ended today.  From what we have deduced, he came to shortly after the end of Alpha shift.  We can approximate that he was unconscious for the better part of thirty minutes."  Once again, Janeway started crying.  He probably was laying in his own blood as she choose to go home rather than visit him.  "From what I observed in his quarters when conducting my investigation, he went into the bathroom and proceeded to vomit blood.  I only found out about the Commander's condition when he managed to stumble onto the bridge and tried to get to his normal chair to work.  I then had us both transported to sickbay."

            Kathryn felt her claws extend in loathing.  Her First Officer was beaten to the point of unconsciousness while he couldn't fight back.  "Tuvok, why didn't you call me right away?"

            "I intended on doing just that when the Commander seemed to have a 'moment of normalcy' and made me promise not to call you until I had sufficient proof as too who did it."

            "You know who did it?  You know who attacked him?"  Seeing Tuvok's nod, Janeway started mentally clearing her schedule.  She was going to be busy executing someone.  Someone had just made the worst mistake of his or her life.  "Who is it?"

            Tuvok hesitated.  "Captain, I need you to promise me that you will listen to the evidence I have collected after you hear this name.  Can you do that?"  Janeway nodded her head, a bit miffed that her old friend didn't think her able to look at this objectively.  "At the point in my investigation, all evidence points to the attacker as being Kashyk."

            Kathryn reeled in shock and horror.  Someone must have framed him so it would look like Kashyk.  "Tuvok, there must be some mistake, Kashyk is the one of the most gentle people I have ever met.  He couldn't have done this."

            "Captain, you promised me that you would listen to the evidence, will you do so?"  Seeing Janeway nod her head miserably, Tuvok continued.  "I have successfully found the time or the Commander's loosing consciousness as being 3.2 minutes after entering his quarters.  From what I have found, as the Commander was walking down the hallway, the door to your quarters does not open, yet a unknown figure simply seemed to appear just outside your door.  Seconds after this being came conjured, the door panel on the Commander's wall started being activated.  The door opened, but nobody went it for nearly 25 seconds.  At this time, the unknown persons signal vanishes without a trace, but the Commander's does not.  3.2 minutes after entering his cabin, Commander Chakotay lapsed into unconsciousness.  3.4 minutes after his signal disappeared, the unknown reappears in the corridor before once again vanishing just outside cabin seconds later.

            "A partial footprint has also been discovered on Commander Chakotay's body in bruises.  The tread isn't of StarFleet issue and besides Kashyk, the only other person who doesn't wear StarFleet footwear and could possibly inflict this amount of damage in such a short amount of time is Mr. Neelix and Seven of Nine, and both have been accounted for.  Also, one of the chairs that was used to beat the Commander had a sample of DNA on it.  The doctor confirms that it is Kashyk's and according to the computer, he was never in the Commander's quarters.  I have found furthur evidence of computer tampering and, although whomever did it attempted to bounce the signal around over the ship, I found that the source computer was located in your quarters.  The person who did this didn't know of the security sensors installed in the hallway and the image the computer composited bares a striking resemblance to the Inspector.  Captain, I know that you have feelings for this man, but I am afraid that I must make an arrest."

            Kathryn thought over all of the evidence and it did indeed seem damning.  There was no way this could have been a frame up and her blood started to boil.  The little looks of anger Kashyk had thrown in Chakotay's direction now had a different sort of meaning.  He even had said a few nights ago 'I'll kill him.'  Kashyk attacked her Comman… her Chakotay in cold blood out of callus jealousy.  She nodded her head.

            "Actually, that won't be necessary!"  Kathryn, Tuvok and the Doctor all spun toward the door and saw Kashyk pointing a phaser at them.  "Put your phasers down or I'll kill you all.  As for you hologram, I will blast the computer that houses your program if you try anything."  Tuvok and Janeway unhooked their phasers and set them on the ground, the latter giving him a death glare that would stop the heart of any Admiral in Star Fleet.  Ignoring her look, Kashyk continued.  "Well, well, well.  I see that your First Officer of yours is still alive Kat.  It's my fault I suppose.  I told him to stay away from you and I actually expected him to listen."  Putting on a face of mock disappointment, Kashyk shrugged his shoulders as if in defeat.  "Well I guess I'll just kill him now, but before I do, I'll tell you what Kathryn.  You can say your goodbyes to him."

            Turning around to his still inert form, Janeway leaned down to Chakotay's face.  "I love you Chakotay, come home to me."  Kissing him on the lips, Kathryn let herself get lost in the feeling for a few moments.  Yes his skin was still moist and cold, but her heart didn't care.  Pulling herself away from him after a few seconds, Janeway turned toward her former lover.  Nobody noticed the graph on the Doctor's terminal jump at the kiss and remain climbing even afterwards.  "Why, Kashyk?  What happened?"

            "I would have remained on Voyager with you Kat, really I would have.  But, I noticed that your mind kept wandering to 'him' and I knew that it was only a matter of time before either you or he tried something and I just couldn't let that happen.  Besides, we're still close enough to D'vor space for me to just go home.  I'll be taking Voyager with me, mind you.  Yeah, it's a bit cruel, but hey I should at least make a profit for selling the technology off and probably selling this crew into slavery.  I would hate to think that I wasted all of this time playing house and have nothing to show for it in the end."

            Walking toward them, Kashyk motioned the three to move away from Chakotay's body.  Standing next to his soon-to-be-victim, Kashyk glanced down at the man below him.  "Pity isn't it Kathryn?  Imagine if only you and he had some more time.  You finally realize that you CAN love each other, just to have it torn away."  Turning his back to Chakotay, Kashyk raised the phaser to them once more.  "You know Kathryn, it doesn't have to be this way.  We can still be happy together.  We can take Voyager back to D'vor space and then you can I can take one of the shuttles and explore the galaxy.  I'll even try to make sure that your friends get sold to good planets for labor.  Ones that won't kill them, right away at least.  What do you say?"

            Janeway pretended to think for a moment.  "Umm, how about you go to hell?"

            The humor and conceitedness that had previously adorned Kashyk's face faded away and was replaced with cold, hard, anger.  "You first, bitch."  Pointing the phaser directly at Janeway, Kashyk was just about to hit the button when he felt a tap his shoulder.  Turning his head around to see what it was, Kashyk was suddenly blinded by an explosion of light as a fist struck him square in the nose with enough force to dent steel.  That fist belonged to a very angry looking Commander Chakotay.


	7. Fading Away

            Chakotay had awoken just scant seconds before Janeway's kiss, but his mind was still a blank.  At her declaration of love and her heart felt kiss, the Commanders mind started to clear up.  That which was violently torn apart days ago now mended stronger than before and his mind started transmitting data throughout his body at an extraordinary rate.  Once thought lost to him, the memories started to surface of New Earth and how he felt there.  All of the dinners they shared in either his or her quarters came back, the times they went to parties together and always danced at least once every time.  He remembered his and Kathryn's conversation a few days ago and his sudden lack of love for her.  He now remembered feeling like a zombie and how Kashyk attacked him in an attempt to stop him from having personal contact with Janeway.  That which didn't matter or make sense to him before now came with great passion and clarity.  The love that he thought might never come back for his lady Captain now burned with an intensity that actually scared him, but he would not try and hide from it.  It was no longer hurting him, rather it was feeding him with power.  He was about to open his eyes when he heard Kashyk speak.

            After listening for a few moments, Chakotay squinted his eyes open just enough to see that D'vor had his back turned as he made Kathryn that 'offer of a lifetime,' and the First Officer nearly laughed when she told him to go to hell.  At Inspector's final words to Kathryn, Chakotay slowly sat up and tapped him on the shoulder just as the phaser was about to be fired.  Once unsuspecting man had turned enough, Chakotay belted him as hard as he could in the face and watched in satisfaction as Kashyk hit the floor and his phaser went flying only to be picked up by Tuvok.

            Swinging his legs around, Chakotay hoped off the biobed and violently pulled the man to his feet before spinning him around and throwing him through the plate glass window that separated this area from the doctor's office.  Walking through the door, past the shocked faces of the Kathryn, the EMH, and the double raised eyebrows of Tuvok, Chakotay silently strode into the Doctor's office.  His limp was gone and his once stiff joints begged to be used now as adrenaline surged through him and demanded to be let out at the man who had dared to threaten the woman he loved.  Once inside the EMH's office, the Commander promptly elbowed the man in the jaw after Kashyk threw a pathetic swing at him.  Hearing the satisfying crunch of a jaw breaking in multiple areas, the rejuvenated man grabbed the now bloody Kashyk by the hair and pulled him out before Tuvok.

            "Mr. Tuvok, please get this… thing… out of my sight before I stop playing and outright kill him."  The voice voice, while still a bit weak, was no longer hollow, rather it crackled with intensity.

            Tuvok snapped into action and he pulled Kashyk through the sickbay doors toward the brig but Kathryn stopped him.  "Tuvok, order an all stop and contact the D'vor.  Tell them that if they want Inspector Kashyk back, we will be beaming him off this ship in exactly six hours.  If there is a ship here, fine, if not it will either be to the cold vacuum of space or some desolate planet of out choosing, whichever we decide at the time."  Tuvok nodded and led Kashyk out of sickbay, his last words being something about perhaps bringing Kashyk back later for treatment.  The Chief Security Officer didn't find it all that important that his prisoner be healed in the very near future.

            Chakotay spoke to the EMH next, but kept his eyes fixed on the lone female.  "Doctor, am I alright?"  

            The Doc glanced down at the chart and nodded.  "Your cognitive activity is back up to normal range, if not the high end of normal, where it belongs.  I want you to spend the next few days eating and sleeping to regain what you have lost in nutrients.  Also, you are to report to me at least once every twelve hours, just too make sure that there is no relapse and that your body is sufficiently getting better."  Seeing the Commander nod his head, but not take his eyes off of Janeway, the EMH wisely shut his program down.

            Facing the still shocked Kathryn, Chakotay allowed himself to smile at her and, for the first time in days, Kathryn knew that Chakotay was going to be alright.  His skin was almost back to normal, the proud tattoo over his left eye had darkened down back to indigo, and his eyes were bright and alive.  His dimples were back with all of the warmth that once held and even his voice seemed more tone full that it had been in months, long before the whole Kashyk thing started.  He was still thinner than he should be, but his spirit was back and the rest could be nursed.

            Chakotay broke the silence.  "Kathryn, I'm so sorry for what I put you through.  I should have told you about the shared souls, but honestly I didn't want to scare you.  I knew that you were my soul mate a long time ago, but I didn't know how you would have reacted to hearing that so I kept my mouth shut.  I am also sorry that I told you that it couldn't be undone, but in order for it too work you had to figure that part out for yourself and you did."

            Janeway nodded her head for a moment, but the look of disbelief still shown on her face.  "The Doctor told us that nothing would permeate your mind so that nothing I said would matter anyhow."

            "Yes, that would be true if not for one thing.  You kissed me.  When you kissed me you undid enough damage to help me understand what you had said.  What's ironic is that by allowing you to say goodbye and then trying to kill you first, Kashyk sealed his own fate."

            Kathryn nodded her head again at that, still something important that needed to be taken care before anything else.  "You know Commander, you did resign from Voyager yesterday.  What are we going to do about that?"

            The man chuckled slightly.  "First of all, don't call me 'Commander' while off duty.  I know I told you not to call me Chakotay anymore, but as I see it, you confessed your feelings and effectively saved my life.  The promises I made to you have been reinstated and new ones put into place.  I belong to you Kathryn Janeway.  My life is yours, as it has been for the past five years.  As for being First Officer, I'll only retract my resignation if I know we can be together while I hold that position.  Of course, that is if you'll have me."  The last part was said with more than a small bit of trepidation and it reflected in movements as he lowered his head slightly and eyes took on a frightened look.  Honestly, he was terrified that she would reject him again.  Kathryn knew this and she felt her heart melt all the more.

            "Well, I suppose that if nobody else will have you, I can find _some_ sort of use for you.  You never know when I might need another bathtub fashioned out of trees or someone to tell me ancient legends."  After a small laugh from both, Janeway grew serious once more.  "You really frightened me this time.  I thought I was going to loose you for good."

            Chakotay nodded his head sagely.  "I wish that I could promise that nothing bad happen to us ever again, but the fact is, I just don't know.  As for loosing me… the Doctor had figured another seven days, but after Kashyk attacked me, so much damage was done I was no doubt entering it faster than I should have."

            At the mention of her former lovers name, Kathryn bristled with contempt, but choose to ignore it.  "I don't exactly like the knowledge that if something were to happen to me, you would die shortly thereafter.  I'm not comfortable knowing that I'm looking out for the both of us."

            "Well, look at it this way, I have more of a reason than before for trying to keep you alive.  Also, now you may have to rethink your occasional Maverick ways of just throwing yourself out there as a sacrificial lamb.  Who knows?  Maybe your sense of self-survival will become more enhanced."  Janeway mentally demurred at that thought, but continued to think about the possible ramifications of all of this.

            "What I don't understand is that why were you the only one dying before?  If what was happening was like your grandfather, why didn't I suffer the same fate?  I mean, I probably should have.  I wouldn't have liked that, but it would have been better than having to watch you slowly evaporate in front of my very eyes."

            "Well, you started to."  At Janeway's look, he continued.  "Kashyk had said as that you were becoming more and more distant lately.  On the bridge, you still found yourself positioned in my direction and couldn't handle it when I started acting aloof.  Every time you learned something new about what was happening to me, every time something else faded away, you took it impossibly hard.  What would have no doubt happened if I had indeed died and Kashyk hadn't attacked me or you and Tuvok is that eventually your feelings for him would have unfurled and you would have become as despondent as I did.  In the end, I think you would have gone down the same path as me."

            Kathryn examined her own actions over the past few days and had to agree, even though she really didn't want to.  "I remember last night at about this time, for the first time since starting my relationship with Kashyk, I slept alone and put my hand against your wall like I had always done before.  I couldn't understand why.  I really still don't."

            Chakotay chose to ignore the implication that the woman he loved had sex with that bastard almost every night for probably the last week or so.  "You did that no doubt because when I had cut you off from that connection, part of you was still searching for it.  You knew on some level that Kashyk couldn't give you that.  So you turned to the one person that you knew subconsciously could and for that one night at least, no substitute would have done."  

            A memory struck Kathryn and she almost started to sob.  "That first day, I touched you and didn't feel anything.  No spark, no life, just cold.  I always have always felt a jolt whenever we touched and when I didn't feel it again, I felt lost."

            They hadn't touched at all since Chakotay had beaten Kashyk, but now he held his hand up and she did hers like they had on New Earth after the 'Angry Warrior' speech.  Before their fingers even touched, Kathryn could feel both the heat and electricity surge between them and knew that all was well.  When they did touch, the shock had been so intensely missed on her part, she pulled him into a deep hug.  Her body craved the energy he put off, something she had been starved of for so long.  Her spirit seemed to be drinking in every bit of his essences it could.

            Kathryn took a cleansing breath.  After all she had done to this man and still he was here for her.  He deserved the total truth.  "Chakotay, I am so sorry.  I lied to you that night in the Ready Room, I am in love with you and I should have never denied it.  Kashyk was right about one thing though, I didn't acknowledge just how much I cared about you until you started to leave me.  There were times before, I wished that your unresolved feelings for me would just go away, because I felt so guilty about not being able to have a relationship with you, but when I got that wish… when you stopped looking at me like a woman, I couldn't take it.  I'm so used to feeling lightheaded when you smile at me, that when you would smile during the past few days, I felt cold and barren.  When we touch, I feel something that courses between us and that wasn't there and my life just wasn't the same.  I draw energy and courage from you and when you shut down I couldn't handle it.  Nobody, not Kashyk, not Cheb, not even Justin or Mark, no one has ever made me feel like this and I can't lose it.  I can't lose you."

            Chakotay, deciding that maybe she was ready to feel it all, lifted her chin up and kissed her on the lips.  The jolt from his fingers, while still enjoyable to Kathryn, became a distant second to this feeling of absolute bliss.  It was like suspended animation as she felt her entire body light up with joy.

Epilogue 

            Kathryn Janeway awoke in bed in the dead of night for no particular reason.  Looking at the ceiling pattern, the Captain of Voyager mentally reflected on all that had happened in the past week or so.  Her and Kashyk's going public, Chakotay's near decimation, Kashyk's arrest… it was all too much.  The Inspector who had tried to steal her heart, succeeding for a time, had been given back to the D'vor despite his protests and attempts at apology.  The D'vor captain who had picked him up said little, but Kathryn had known that they were none to pleased with his defection saying only 'they had plans for him.'  An irrational part of her almost felt sorry for him.  Knowing how they dealt with telepaths, defectors most likely weren't given a whole lot of sympathy and she honestly didn't think that former Inspector Kashyk would be seeing too many more sunrises as a free man, if any at all.  

            One of her first orders of business was to have any and every trace of her and Kashyk's affair erased from her body and her quarters.  She almost laughed at the memory of the EMH's expression when she had requested that he remove any trace of that bastards DNA from her body.  She wasn't happy until no evidence remained of their tenure together and even after that, she found herself in the shower trying to scrub off the memory of his skin on hers.

            Turning in bed somewhat, she looked at the wall that separated the Captain's and the First Officer's bedrooms.  For so long she had feared crossing that barrier, and for what?  What had been gained?  If this past week had proved anything, the crew, and they themselves, just wouldn't accept it if the Captain and Commander even considered moving on without the other.  If ever she needed proof, here it was.  Lifting her hand up against the cold bulkhead, she felt a stirring beside her.  "Kathryn, what are doing?"

            She looked at the still sleepy Chakotay with love in her eyes.  "Just and old habit of mine.  I never felt the wall from this side before."  Even though no part of Kashyk resided in her residence, they had both agreed without saying so that they would never sleep in the bed Janeway had shared with her former boyfriend.

            Chakotay raised his hand to hers and softly covered it.  "I used to do that also, now we don't have to."  Leaning into each other, the two shared a passionate kiss.  "You know Kathryn, so long as you remain an unmarried woman who Captains a star ship, men will always try to win your heart.  I don't think I would ever want us to get into a fight and have somebody thinking that your fair game."

            Janeway's eyes snapped open wide with that and she started to search his.  What was he getting at?  Her XO gave her no time to question him.  "Kathryn Janeway, will you marry me?"

            Kathryn was partially shocked, and partially amused.  For all of the time she spent with Kashyk, she had never even entertained the notion of marriage.  Living with someone was one thing, but marrying them was different.  That meant that one just couldn't just leave the other high and dry if problems got a bit too heavy.  It was both a legal and spiritual commitment that she had only considered twice in her life, and the second only because Mark had forced the issue.  To her, marriage was the ultimate step in a relationship, second only to having a child.  "Yes, I'll marry you Chakotay."

            Once more they kissed.  This time, the slight contact demanded more and more until they found themselves once more making love, but Kathryn of course didn't mind.  After all, she knew that Chakotay would hold and talk too her afterwards like she had always wanted and like no man had ever done with her before him.  He did that the first time they made love, earlier that evening, and he would do it when this was over in a few hours, and she knew he would do that every night the rest of their lives.

The End!

PS – Okay, okay.  I know that it had a sappy ending, but hey… I needed to balance out for the rest of the angst in the fic.


End file.
